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Daily Connect: You'll Never Change
How many times have you said this? Or thought this? Or been told this? I know you and you'll never change. She'll never learn. He'll always be a drunk. I'll always be fat. I've done it countless times, always with a feeling of anger, or annoyance, or frustration, and with a big dollop of self-righteousness, as if I can know everything. Could it be true? Can someone never change?
Perhaps the only certainty in life is that that change is inevitable. Scientists and Buddhists agree that all phenomena is in constant flux; no living or non-living matter has a fixed, permanent existence. We ourselves are born and our bodies and minds grow older until we die. So what we're really talking about when we say "you'll never change" is defining "you" or "me" as some kind of fixed, permanent, solidified self which is frozen in space and time. I spent the weekend with the great teacher, Lama Robina Courtin, who invited us to examine how this is impossible because what we call "I" is simply the coming together of our body, speech, and mind. Therefore, changing any one of them (which we do constantly) will change the "I"; the fact that someone can learn to become a carpenter, or a lawyer, with no prior knowledge, is proof there is no "fixed" self.
If we are honest with ourselves, what we are really saying is that we believe someone will never change. This means that the possibility of change can be determined by our own mind. We know this intuitively; if I tell you "I can't learn to ride a bike", then I can't learn to ride a bike. But if I want to learn how to ride and I get on a bike and practice and fall down a few times, I will surely learn how to ride a bike.
Lama Robina stressed the importance of encouraging ourselves to remember that change is possible and it is in our own hands. All we need to do is see the causes and conditions that have led to our struggles, and create new causes and conditions for whatever outcome we choose. And we must believe this potential for change exists for others as well.
Ani Choying Drolma is an internationally reknowned singer and a Buddhist nun who founded a school for girls and a hospital in Nepal, and works tirelessly for the welfare of others. But she wasn't always like this. When she entered the nunnery at the age of 13, she was filled with anger, rage, and resentment caused by years of abuse from her father, who beat her nearly every day. In fact, she became a Buddhist nun only to escape her circumstances, not out of faith. Then, over time, something happened:
Like it or not, we're all going to change. Luckily, it's up to us to decide whether it will be for the better or for the worse.
Peace to Everyone Everywhere!
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Change
Reading this post written by my oldest and dearest friend KimB is a good reminder for me when dealing with my own struggles with an aging family member as well as a challenging ex-spouse. The real truth is whether it be positive or negative change is inevitable. Peace & gratitude to you KimB.
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